the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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