every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
