If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
