i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
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