Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
