i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
