I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
