I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
