I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.