I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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