i permit you to call me
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
