I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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