i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
