Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
