please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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