I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
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I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
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You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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