I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
