Welp...herpes.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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