i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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