dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
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Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
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NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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