i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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