so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
