her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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