So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
