Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
