you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
