I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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