How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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