my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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