You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
