Plan B is the new Plan A
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
