Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
