this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
