My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
