there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's shark week go big or go home
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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