I think I just saw someone hide a body.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
