fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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