cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
