My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
