Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
