Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
