4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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