i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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