Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
