If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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