After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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