When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
