Please, let me fuck your mom
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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