Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
