He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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