I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
