u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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