I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
