the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
