This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
