It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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