Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
